


This town is killing me

by liionne



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, So be warned, Spoilers, Spoilers Inside, Steve Rogers (Understandably) Has Issues, minor Avengers 4 speculation, yes you heard it ladies and gents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 09:28:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14517483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liionne/pseuds/liionne
Summary: ****INFINITY WAR SPOILERS****Steve mutters into Bucky’s shoulder, seething but relieved. Bucky drops his gun; it makes the same muted thud as it did a year ago, in the exact same spot. Bucky wraps his arms around Steve in turn, bemused, yes, but happy for the contact, apparently.“Did we win?” He asks.Steve buries his face in Bucky’s chest and sobs.





	This town is killing me

**Author's Note:**

> Last warning: spoilers ahead

“Steve?”

Buckys voice is soft, and gentle, and fearful. His gun hits the dirt with a muted thud, and Steve watches as his new metal arm turns to dust, followed suit by the rest of him.

It doesn't happen in slow motion. The world around them doesn't stop. And yet Steve can't stop looking, watching as his best friend, his soul mate, turns to ash.

He stumbles forward, falls to his knees, pushes his dirt-and-blood soaked fingers into it. Ash. Like he had never been there to begin with.

~*~

Carol Danvers looks at the carnage of Wakanda, the bright green grass turned dusty and grey with the remnants of its populace, its warriors, and its king.

Steve has returned to kneel by Bucky’s gun, the only marker of where he had stood. He doesn’t see Carol. Doesn’t hear her when she speaks.

He’s just glad that for once, someone else was taking the lead. He had led the avengers to victory once before but not this time, no, right now he needs orders, needs to be given something to do because thinking hurts too much. For once he would like to be the soldier, not the general.

Natasha arrives in front of him. Good - that's good. He reaches out, touches her - solid. Good. Good.

“Sam?” He croaks, looking up at her.

Her bottom lip quivers imperceptibly. She shakes her head.

“Wanda?”

Natasha looks like she can't breathe.

Not good not good not good.

~*~

It's Carol who finds Thanos, who fights him, who takes him down. Their window of operation is small: they can only go back a few seconds before The Snap (a stupid name, in Steve’s opinion, but admittedly better than _The moment that big purple bastard took my best friends away from me_ , which was what Steve was working off of). If they miss, if somehow Thanos still enacts his plan, they’ll have to do it all over again.

It’s been a year. Steve refuses to do it again.

In the end, he doesn’t have to: Carol does not mess around. She takes Thanos’ head, and then for good measure, she takes his arm. She prises each stone from the gauntlet and holds them in her hands. Steve trusts her to do what’s right - mostly because he has something much bigger to think about.

Wanda kneels by Vision’s body, confusion creasing her brow. It’s too late for Vision, Steve supposes. He’s sad, yes, but it’s replaced by overwhelming relief, seeing Wanda alive and well. And Sam, on the ground and injured, maybe, but alive. Steve grasps at him, and Sam gives him a confused look.

“Steve? What the--”

“Steve?”

Steve looks up; Bucky is stood just at the treeline, looking about as confused as the rest of the people who had, up until a moment ago, been nothing but a memory. People who are now there and real and alive.

“How’d you get over there?”

Steve is replaced by Rhodes at Sam’s side; that’s good. It leaves Steve free to launch himself at Bucky, who looks more than a little surprised when a 240lb supersoldier (covered in grime and sweat and blood from an entirely differently fight) collides with him, wrapping his arms around him and _squeezing_.

“Keep trying to fucking take you away from me, this whole shitty fucking universe I’m not doing it anymore, I’m not--”

Steve mutters into Bucky’s shoulder, seething but relieved. Bucky drops his gun; it makes the same muted thud as it did a year ago, in the exact same spot. Bucky wraps his arms around Steve in turn, bemused, yes, but happy for the contact, apparently.

“Did we win?” He asks.

Steve buries his face in Bucky’s chest and sobs.

~*~

He sits bolt upright in bed, the ash from his dreams disappearing through his fingers, carried away by the wind.

Bucky wasn’t asleep. He moves to the bed, now, sits down on the edge of it and wraps his arms around Steve. “Hey, c’mon, easy. It’s just a dream, it’s not real.”

Steve looks at Bucky, frames his face in his hands and looks; his blue-grey eyes, reflecting the moonlight back at Steve, look worried but alive. Alive is good. Alive is definitely a good thing.

_It was real. It was real for me. A year without you. A year in a world where you didn’t exist, it was real. Too real._

He doesn’t say any of it. He lies down, on his back, staring at the ceiling. They had spent a short time in the city, at the palace, with everyone else, whilst the fate of the stones was decided. But the people who lost their loved ones are either grieving or trying to spend time with them, and people had begun saying their goodbyes, going their separate ways. Steve had been loathe to leave Wanda, Sam and even T’Challa behind, but he had gone, because Bucky had asked him to, and because he knew that Natasha, Rhodes and Shuri were there to look after them.

Now they sit in Bucky's little lake-side hut, living like they’re on some kind of holiday. Steve doesn’t care, as long as he’s next to Bucky. As long as he’s with Bucky, somewhere he can see him.

Steve rubs his thumb and forefinger together, remembering the feeling of it - he shudders. Bucky sits on the edge of the bed, and then he shifts to lie down, half on top of Steve. Steve has never been more grateful; he wraps his arms around Bucky and closes his eyes, paying careful attention to the soft rise and fall of his chest, and the gentle thudding of his heart that Steve can feel against his skin. Bucky’s breathing mellows after a little while, as he slips into sleep. Steve stays awake, counts each breath, each heart beat. It makes him feel better, a bit.

~*~

"Tell me again, how it happened."

"Bucky--"

"I don't like not remembering things, Steve, so humour me here. Tell me again."

Steve doesn't want to talk about it again. Steve doesn't want to think about it, not ever again, but Bucky wants him to talk about it, or something, so here they are.

"You just... all of you, you..." Steve shakes his head and swallows around the lump forming in his throat, throwing his head down into his hands.

"Disintegrated." Bucky says.

"No," Steve snaps. Snaps because yes - yes, that's exactly what happened. "Sorry." He immediately feels guilty, but when he looks at Bucky he finds that he isn't mad. Somehow, that's worse. "It's just - _disintegrated_ makes it sound fast. It wasn't fast. It was slow. You said my name, and I looked at you, and you just... turned to dust. Ash. And I - I held you, in my hands, what was left of you, and--"

His voice fails him and he chokes on his words, tears hot in the corners of his eyes and hotter still as they slip down his cheeks. He does it again, rubs his thumb and forefinger together, remembering.

He wishes he could forget.

"You were just - nothing. Just like that, gone. And I didn't even have time to say goodbye." Steve whispers, his eyes resolutely fixed on the floor.

He hears Bucky move, shifting from the doorway and moving to the bed, to stand in front of Steve. He reaches for Steve's hand, saying, "Come here. Feel."

Steve knows where this is going; Bucky is going to make feel his heartbeat. It had made him feel better a few nights ago but now it frightens him. What if he lays his hand over Bucky's chest, and there's nothing there? No heartbeat, nothing, and then he just fades away into dust again, the whole thing just a product of Thanos and his god damn gauntlet. Steve can feel his heartbeat in his ears, blood rushing, pounding--

His fingers slip beneath the fabric of the Wakandan robes, touching bare skin, and there it is. Bucky's heart, beating away, steady and strong.

"See?" Bucky murmurs. "I'm right here. I'm real. I'm not going anywhere."

Steve is so glad that he's sitting down, because those three short statements knock the air from his lungs. He leans forward until his forehead collides with Bucky's stomach, his hand still pressed against his chest, feeling. The metal hand settles on the back of his neck, cool despite the heat outside. It's nice. between that and his heartbeat, it grounds him in the moment.

"Not ever again," Steve whispers. "Not ever again, Bucky, god--"

Steve looks up, and is so glad that he and Bucky seem to share some kind of neuropathic link, because Bucky is already leaning down to meet him half way. Their lips crash together in a clumsy clash of teeth and tongue; it's Steve's fault, because he's far too desperate, but he doesn't care. He needs this more than he needs air. He needs this more than he needs anything. He needs Bucky, and that's it.

"Easy, Steve, easy," Bucky whispers against his lips. His metal hand is still on the back of Steve's neck, flesh moving to cup his cheek. Bucky meets his gaze and smiles wanly. "Comes to something when I'm more mentally stable than you, huh?"

The air punches out of Steve in what could be considered a laugh, and he shakes his head a little, swallows thickly. "First time I lost you, Buck, I flew a plane into the arctic. You expect this to be any different?"

"It was different." Bucky says. "It was different, Steve. You and Ms. Danvers, you undid it all. You didn't just save the world, you saved the universe."

"Half of it." Steve murmurs.

Bucky arches his eyebrows. "I'd say half the universe is still pretty good."

Steve's smile fades, slowly but surely. "If I have to lose you again it's going to kill me." He murmurs.

Bucky shifts, kneels in front of him, and kisses him gently. "You're never going to lose me again, Steve." He murmurs. "Not ever again."

Steve wishes that Bucky wouldn't make promises that he can't keep, but he doesn't do so out loud. Instead he kisses him again, commits the feeling to memory, just in case. Just in case.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, writing this was mostly a selfish act of catharsis, but I hope someone out there takes some kind of joy from it. 
> 
> I really have 0 idea what's going to happen in Avengers 4, so I kept it brief, but I do believe that Our Lady and Saviour Carol Danvers is going to save the day, and I think there's going to be some ooky spooky time travel involved. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!
> 
> (I was spectacularly wrong about [my IW theory](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14163747), so who knows?)
> 
> I may well revisit this verse later on when my wounds aren't so fresh, but for now this is it. I really want to see these two having a proper reunion in Avengers 4, especially after that ending - again, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
> 
> Title is taken from Caitlyn Smith's _This Town Is Killing Me_ which is very in keeping with the tone of this fic, and the lyrics are actually very Steve Rogers-ish.
> 
> If anyone wants to come and scream about Infinity War with me, you can find me [on tumblr](http://liionne.tumblr.com)


End file.
